Monday, July 16, 2012
A month of 6
I can't believe Mr. Gideon Grey was born almost 5 weeks ago! We have been slowly adjusting to the feeling of four kiddos instead of three. The hardest change has been getting uneven sleep almost every night. You can't plan for it and you can't change it. We just have to wait it out and work on sleep training when he's bigger. The best part has been watching the three older boys absolutely love him to death. Nev loves to kiss his cheeks, Gav loves his little piggy toes, Skyler loves to hold him. They are all big helpers which is so nice! There hasn't been jealousy but we have been very proactive with extra activities for them! Gideon is a little joy to have around. He is not overly fussy, eats well, takes good naps. I am hoping he continues to be easy going with this wild crew! I am excited to see him change and grow over the next month! He is already more awake and alert and super strong! The little guy can already roll from side to tummy in his crib and occasionly from back to side. He's a go fetters!
Friday, June 22, 2012
Gideon Grey Stanley
Baby Gideon arrived on scene June 13 at 6:27 in the morning. Weighing in at 7 pounds 10 ounces and 21.3 inches long. Everything about this little man has been surprising and unexpected. It has me curios and a little worried to see what the rest of his life will be like! I have felt with all my boys that their time in the womb and deliveries were a foretelling of their personalities. Does anyone else feel that way with their kids?
Many know that Gideon's first little trick was being conceived in the first place. We were doing the opposit of trying to have a baby at that time. We very much had our hands full with our three boys and the extra help Gavyn and Nevin both need. Although I didn't feel "done" having kids I did not think right now was the right timing. Apparently God thought other wise and very much blessed us with this little man. The other very different experience for us was having a hospital birth as the first three were all born at home. Although I knew this was a much needed step for his safety since I am Group B positive it also gave me much anxiety during the pregnancy. Ryan's cousin Mandi was so awesome in reccomending her OB to me though! Dr. Philpott was so awesome during my pregnancy and delivery. Every visit with him he would ask me what I was worried about, what was on my mind, what could we talk thru this month? He was actually impressed that I had three natural home births and was not judgmental at all about it. His attitude was, you go girl, I am staying out of your way, you know what you are doing. He would listen to my concerns and we would either make a plan or talk it out. The closer it got to my due date the more concerned we all became with the very real possibility of my going into labor and not making it to the hospital in time for the minimum 4 hrs of antibiotics needed to protect Gideon from the infection. Nevin came in a fast and furios fashion of 6 hours. He was my easiest and fastest labor. Gavyn came in about 7 hours and was a harder labor than Nevin but he was also my biggest baby weighing in at 8 pounds 9 ounces. The more we talked about this we came to the conclusion that the safest method would be having me come into the hospital early, get a round of antibiotics and then be induced. I had been induced with Skyler who was a whopping 9 days late so I was familiar with the procedure. We thought we had everything planned to a T but here is what happened....
Tuesday morning the 12th. We were supposed to get up at 5:30 and get ready. We were supposed to call the hospital at 6 and tell them we were coming in at 7 to be induced. My parents were coming at 6 to take care of the boys and my mom would come up to the hospital around lunch when I would be actually induced. I could not sleep the night before because I was so anxious. I almost sprung out of bed in the morning thinking I had over slept. I called the hospital at 6 and was surprised to hear that every bed was full in labor and delivery and I needed to wait to come in. They would call around 9 to let me know when to come. I was too wired to go back to sleep. My parents ended up taking the boys around 8 back to their house. Ryan and I decided to run to target to pick up a few last minute items and kill time. By 9:30 I called the hospital again and was told to hold tight again. Finally close to 10 I started to doze off on the couch and of course that is when they called for us to come in.
We arrived close to 11 and spent the next two hours being registered and all that jazz. Finally close to 1 they started the antibiotic drip. Ryan rented a movie for us to watch and pass the time. As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors and antibiotics we were surprised to notice I was having very frequent very small contractions. This seemed very promising and encouraged me that I would be having another quick delivery. Close to 4 Dr. Philpott gave the go ahead to start the potocine drip. My nurse started a slow drip at only a one just to see what my body would do. I kicked into labor very quickly and was having good sized contractions every couple minutes. It was enough that there was no need to even up the potocine. By this time though I was getting really hungry and scarfed down a lot of Popsicles and ice! I started to walk the halls and Ryan and my mom took turns making laps with me. Everything was looking promising. Close to 7 my nurse asked to check me so she could give Dr. P an update. I had been dilated close to a two before we started, surely I was a four or five by now! I could not have been more discouraged to hear her tell me I was a three! After she talked to Dr. P she came back and told me they were going to break my water. Excuse me? I was not having it. She tried to convience me it would speed everything up. I told her I knew exactly what contractions would feel like once they took my cushion away and if I was only at a three there was no way they were breaking my water. The doc on the floor was completely ok with my decision but the nurse tried to push me further. I was adamant that it was a no go for now. Thankfully there was a shift changed and my new nurse was much more accommodating to my wishes. She was also impressed with how I labored and told me more than once I was made to labor naturally because I was so calm.
Eventually I was able to fall asleep and get a nap for about an hour. That was very helpful and refreshing. Every time my nurse Kate asked me what I needed I would tell her a cheeseburger. I hadn't eaten since 6:30 that morning and was starving! I knew she couldn't feed me but that is what I really wanted to get me through it! I kept walking and eating Popsicles. By this time my concept of time gets fuzzy but I think by 10 pm I had dilated to a 5. I couldn't understand why it was going so slow. I tried to stay relaxed but I could feel the anxiety starting. Eventually I dilated to a 7 and agreed to let them break my water because that typically speeds things up and I was feeling my body getting ready. Then the strangest thing happened. After my water was broken my contractions started to slow! What was happening? By 3am Kate checked me and gave me the worst news I have ever heard while laboring. I had gone from a 7 to a 5! I was in shock. She explained that sometimes when baby is positioned funny when they break the water it causes baby to pop back up instead of down. I had been sitting straight up in the bed with my legs stretched out for 2 hours trying to get him to come down and instead he had moved up. I panicked. My poor mother and Ryan got a good scare when I told the nurse I wanted a C-section now! I completely lost it and was sure he was not coming, something was wrong and all I could think about was my other two special babies and how I could not do it again. Kate did her best to calm me and then went to go call Dr. P. Thankfully Kate and Dr. P knew that a woman who gave birth three times naturally at home did not really want a C-section and they needed to figure out what was going on and try to hold me off on that decision. Kate got my mom and did some investigating into our lives, what was I worried about? What had happened with Gavyn? How were the boys now, high functioning, low functioning? What could we do to ease my anxiety? Kate came back into my room with me completely exhausted and in tears. She told me Dr. P would do a C-section but first he thought I should get an epidural (since I would need it anyway for surgery) and take a nap for an hour. I agreed. I had been up for almost 24 hours with little sleep before that and my stomach was completely empty. I had nothing left to give. This was completely God at work and seeing how the next three hours played out was amazing.
I was given an epidural, something I never thought I would do simply because my labors had been so fast in the past. Man did that sucker hurt but after about 5 minutes I was feeling so much better! Before I knew it I was asleep and Ryan and mom were also able to get some rest. After an hour Kate came and woke me up, she informed me there was an emergancy C-section happening. Because of that she was not going to check me but let me rest for another hour. I was relieved. I feel back asleep for another hour. When she woke me again there was another emergency C-section happening! I should go back asleep. By 5:30 I started having severe contractions that even the epidural could not hide. By 6 I could tell I needed to push. Kaye checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to go. For a split second we thought Dr. P would not even make it! Thankfully he walked in just as they were helping me to sit up in bed. It went from being very quiet to a flurry of activity in less than 5 minutes. Before I knew it was in a good position and started to push. Mr. Gideon had turned his body in such a way that he was almost stuck. This is why my labor had come to a stand still until I could relax more. Once I pushed Dr. P was able to turn his little head and after only about 4-6 pushes he arrived on scene! No one could believe how little he was! The way he had been laying in my stomach for the last couple months it had pushed everything around making my measurements bigger and giving everyone the impression he would be well over 8 pounds! He was very much worth 14 hours of labor and 17 hours of being hooked up to an IV. He was perfect in every way. I am excited to watch him grow and see what new adventures he brings to our family this year.
Many know that Gideon's first little trick was being conceived in the first place. We were doing the opposit of trying to have a baby at that time. We very much had our hands full with our three boys and the extra help Gavyn and Nevin both need. Although I didn't feel "done" having kids I did not think right now was the right timing. Apparently God thought other wise and very much blessed us with this little man. The other very different experience for us was having a hospital birth as the first three were all born at home. Although I knew this was a much needed step for his safety since I am Group B positive it also gave me much anxiety during the pregnancy. Ryan's cousin Mandi was so awesome in reccomending her OB to me though! Dr. Philpott was so awesome during my pregnancy and delivery. Every visit with him he would ask me what I was worried about, what was on my mind, what could we talk thru this month? He was actually impressed that I had three natural home births and was not judgmental at all about it. His attitude was, you go girl, I am staying out of your way, you know what you are doing. He would listen to my concerns and we would either make a plan or talk it out. The closer it got to my due date the more concerned we all became with the very real possibility of my going into labor and not making it to the hospital in time for the minimum 4 hrs of antibiotics needed to protect Gideon from the infection. Nevin came in a fast and furios fashion of 6 hours. He was my easiest and fastest labor. Gavyn came in about 7 hours and was a harder labor than Nevin but he was also my biggest baby weighing in at 8 pounds 9 ounces. The more we talked about this we came to the conclusion that the safest method would be having me come into the hospital early, get a round of antibiotics and then be induced. I had been induced with Skyler who was a whopping 9 days late so I was familiar with the procedure. We thought we had everything planned to a T but here is what happened....
Tuesday morning the 12th. We were supposed to get up at 5:30 and get ready. We were supposed to call the hospital at 6 and tell them we were coming in at 7 to be induced. My parents were coming at 6 to take care of the boys and my mom would come up to the hospital around lunch when I would be actually induced. I could not sleep the night before because I was so anxious. I almost sprung out of bed in the morning thinking I had over slept. I called the hospital at 6 and was surprised to hear that every bed was full in labor and delivery and I needed to wait to come in. They would call around 9 to let me know when to come. I was too wired to go back to sleep. My parents ended up taking the boys around 8 back to their house. Ryan and I decided to run to target to pick up a few last minute items and kill time. By 9:30 I called the hospital again and was told to hold tight again. Finally close to 10 I started to doze off on the couch and of course that is when they called for us to come in.
We arrived close to 11 and spent the next two hours being registered and all that jazz. Finally close to 1 they started the antibiotic drip. Ryan rented a movie for us to watch and pass the time. As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors and antibiotics we were surprised to notice I was having very frequent very small contractions. This seemed very promising and encouraged me that I would be having another quick delivery. Close to 4 Dr. Philpott gave the go ahead to start the potocine drip. My nurse started a slow drip at only a one just to see what my body would do. I kicked into labor very quickly and was having good sized contractions every couple minutes. It was enough that there was no need to even up the potocine. By this time though I was getting really hungry and scarfed down a lot of Popsicles and ice! I started to walk the halls and Ryan and my mom took turns making laps with me. Everything was looking promising. Close to 7 my nurse asked to check me so she could give Dr. P an update. I had been dilated close to a two before we started, surely I was a four or five by now! I could not have been more discouraged to hear her tell me I was a three! After she talked to Dr. P she came back and told me they were going to break my water. Excuse me? I was not having it. She tried to convience me it would speed everything up. I told her I knew exactly what contractions would feel like once they took my cushion away and if I was only at a three there was no way they were breaking my water. The doc on the floor was completely ok with my decision but the nurse tried to push me further. I was adamant that it was a no go for now. Thankfully there was a shift changed and my new nurse was much more accommodating to my wishes. She was also impressed with how I labored and told me more than once I was made to labor naturally because I was so calm.
Eventually I was able to fall asleep and get a nap for about an hour. That was very helpful and refreshing. Every time my nurse Kate asked me what I needed I would tell her a cheeseburger. I hadn't eaten since 6:30 that morning and was starving! I knew she couldn't feed me but that is what I really wanted to get me through it! I kept walking and eating Popsicles. By this time my concept of time gets fuzzy but I think by 10 pm I had dilated to a 5. I couldn't understand why it was going so slow. I tried to stay relaxed but I could feel the anxiety starting. Eventually I dilated to a 7 and agreed to let them break my water because that typically speeds things up and I was feeling my body getting ready. Then the strangest thing happened. After my water was broken my contractions started to slow! What was happening? By 3am Kate checked me and gave me the worst news I have ever heard while laboring. I had gone from a 7 to a 5! I was in shock. She explained that sometimes when baby is positioned funny when they break the water it causes baby to pop back up instead of down. I had been sitting straight up in the bed with my legs stretched out for 2 hours trying to get him to come down and instead he had moved up. I panicked. My poor mother and Ryan got a good scare when I told the nurse I wanted a C-section now! I completely lost it and was sure he was not coming, something was wrong and all I could think about was my other two special babies and how I could not do it again. Kate did her best to calm me and then went to go call Dr. P. Thankfully Kate and Dr. P knew that a woman who gave birth three times naturally at home did not really want a C-section and they needed to figure out what was going on and try to hold me off on that decision. Kate got my mom and did some investigating into our lives, what was I worried about? What had happened with Gavyn? How were the boys now, high functioning, low functioning? What could we do to ease my anxiety? Kate came back into my room with me completely exhausted and in tears. She told me Dr. P would do a C-section but first he thought I should get an epidural (since I would need it anyway for surgery) and take a nap for an hour. I agreed. I had been up for almost 24 hours with little sleep before that and my stomach was completely empty. I had nothing left to give. This was completely God at work and seeing how the next three hours played out was amazing.
I was given an epidural, something I never thought I would do simply because my labors had been so fast in the past. Man did that sucker hurt but after about 5 minutes I was feeling so much better! Before I knew it I was asleep and Ryan and mom were also able to get some rest. After an hour Kate came and woke me up, she informed me there was an emergancy C-section happening. Because of that she was not going to check me but let me rest for another hour. I was relieved. I feel back asleep for another hour. When she woke me again there was another emergency C-section happening! I should go back asleep. By 5:30 I started having severe contractions that even the epidural could not hide. By 6 I could tell I needed to push. Kaye checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to go. For a split second we thought Dr. P would not even make it! Thankfully he walked in just as they were helping me to sit up in bed. It went from being very quiet to a flurry of activity in less than 5 minutes. Before I knew it was in a good position and started to push. Mr. Gideon had turned his body in such a way that he was almost stuck. This is why my labor had come to a stand still until I could relax more. Once I pushed Dr. P was able to turn his little head and after only about 4-6 pushes he arrived on scene! No one could believe how little he was! The way he had been laying in my stomach for the last couple months it had pushed everything around making my measurements bigger and giving everyone the impression he would be well over 8 pounds! He was very much worth 14 hours of labor and 17 hours of being hooked up to an IV. He was perfect in every way. I am excited to watch him grow and see what new adventures he brings to our family this year.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Getting Things Done
Now that I am 23 weeks pregnant I am finally getting some energy and it feels great! I was getting a little worried that with the boys, school, and just being a mom that maybe I wouldn't get much energy back this time. I am very glad that isn't the case. The last couple weeks have been great and I am feeling very accomplished with house projects.
When we bought our house last June we had a big list of projects that we wanted to get done. One of the projects we were hoping to do before we even moved in was pull out the carpet and refinish the original wood floors. Unfortunately our closing day got moved out and we already had movers scheduled for a certain day to move us and we ran out of time. But, the weekend of the super bowl we decided to rip the carpet out and get going on this huge project. True to all house projects we first pulled back a small section in each room to see the floors and some how every corner but one that we pulled back made it look like the floors were in good shape. Thankfully the one corner we knew was going to be a problem room and Ryan's dad made sure to rent a sander before even showing up Saturday morning. Once the two of them got all the carpet out of the house they realized every room would need to be sanded which meant staining the floors and putting a coat of poly on top. Very quickly our two day project turned into a five day! So typical of any house project, right? In the end it was so worth it though. We have great parents, Ryan and his dad worked tirelessly (12 hours a day!) for two days straight to get the carpet out, floors sanded and stain on. My parents let us stay at their house for 5 days since our house was completely torn up. My dad helped Ryan get the two coats of poly on the floors and my parents and brother helped me clean the whole house and move all the furniture back. I have no idea how we would do these things without their support. Not to mention the money it saved us to do the project ourselves and not have to stay in a hotel! And now the floors look amazing! It instantly made the house more beautiful.
Now I am collecting some great deals on home decor to redecorate our family room. I have been scouring the Internet for ideas and starting a little collection of them. I am pretty excited to finalize the paint and get it bought so I can put together all my ideas. I am really proud of myself and the money I have saved finding things on clearance or good sales that is still exactly what I wanted. I am determined to not compromise what style I want in each room even if that means it takes me twice as long to do. We live on a very tight budget and I don't want to waste what little money I can spend on something I don't really want just to get something. I like a good challenge though. :)
My parents got Gavyn a toddler bed and we got it put together today. We rearranged the furniture in his room to make room for it and I am super happy with how it looks. The only thing we may still need is another dresser in the room. I might be able to rearrange what is where and make it work for two little boys though. Thankfully we have an empty dresser in the basement and won't have to buy a new one!
I am just pleased to see things getting checked off of our to-do-list even if it takes longer than I would like. We have many years to get things done at this house and we are taking our time to do them right. Hoping to keep some momentum going though since we are adding another little man in a few months. :)
When we bought our house last June we had a big list of projects that we wanted to get done. One of the projects we were hoping to do before we even moved in was pull out the carpet and refinish the original wood floors. Unfortunately our closing day got moved out and we already had movers scheduled for a certain day to move us and we ran out of time. But, the weekend of the super bowl we decided to rip the carpet out and get going on this huge project. True to all house projects we first pulled back a small section in each room to see the floors and some how every corner but one that we pulled back made it look like the floors were in good shape. Thankfully the one corner we knew was going to be a problem room and Ryan's dad made sure to rent a sander before even showing up Saturday morning. Once the two of them got all the carpet out of the house they realized every room would need to be sanded which meant staining the floors and putting a coat of poly on top. Very quickly our two day project turned into a five day! So typical of any house project, right? In the end it was so worth it though. We have great parents, Ryan and his dad worked tirelessly (12 hours a day!) for two days straight to get the carpet out, floors sanded and stain on. My parents let us stay at their house for 5 days since our house was completely torn up. My dad helped Ryan get the two coats of poly on the floors and my parents and brother helped me clean the whole house and move all the furniture back. I have no idea how we would do these things without their support. Not to mention the money it saved us to do the project ourselves and not have to stay in a hotel! And now the floors look amazing! It instantly made the house more beautiful.
Now I am collecting some great deals on home decor to redecorate our family room. I have been scouring the Internet for ideas and starting a little collection of them. I am pretty excited to finalize the paint and get it bought so I can put together all my ideas. I am really proud of myself and the money I have saved finding things on clearance or good sales that is still exactly what I wanted. I am determined to not compromise what style I want in each room even if that means it takes me twice as long to do. We live on a very tight budget and I don't want to waste what little money I can spend on something I don't really want just to get something. I like a good challenge though. :)
My parents got Gavyn a toddler bed and we got it put together today. We rearranged the furniture in his room to make room for it and I am super happy with how it looks. The only thing we may still need is another dresser in the room. I might be able to rearrange what is where and make it work for two little boys though. Thankfully we have an empty dresser in the basement and won't have to buy a new one!
I am just pleased to see things getting checked off of our to-do-list even if it takes longer than I would like. We have many years to get things done at this house and we are taking our time to do them right. Hoping to keep some momentum going though since we are adding another little man in a few months. :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Going from Home to Hospital
When we found out I was pregnant with Skyler I knew wanted to be untraditional and have a home birth and I knew who I wanted to deliver my baby immediately. There was really no question in my mind about it. Ryan was a little nervous about it until we sat down with Dr.Duhart and had a consultation. Ryan really liked him and had a lot of confidence in the process. 9 months later we welcomed Skyler into the world in our little south city apartment with Dr.Duhart, my mom and our friend Janie (who by the way had 11 of her 12 at home). It was such a beautiful moment when he arrived. As soon as Doc said it was a boy I called out his name for the first time and got to hold him. Janie helped me while my parents were the first to give Skyler a bath. Ryan took lots of pictures of everything going on. There was no turning back. We knew we would have more kids and we knew home birth was the way for us. Not even two years later we welcomed Nevin in the same fashion at our rental house in Mapleweood. While Skyler came minutes before midnight Nevin came right before 7 am. Just as I pushed him out my dad arrived to take Skyler who had just woken up. It was the coolest moment for Skyler to see his brother minutes after he arrived. My mom made a big breakfast for everyone and soon after the house was quiet with just Ryan, myself and our new bundle curled up on the couch getting some rest. True to form almost exactly two years later we had Mr. Gavyn at our new house in south city. He arrived mid afternoon. The big boys got to spend the whole day with Pa Pa getting spoiled (I am sure they ate ice cream and played trains all day). There was something especially beautiful about Gavyn's birth. I don't know if it is because I had had a good nights sleep, because he was the third and I was very confident in my ability, or because God knew I needed something beautiful to look back on while he was laying in the hospital. I look back at his birth with the most fond memories though. I remember thinking how grateful I was that I was able to have home births. To be surrounded by strong confident women while I labored. To have a loving and caring husband by my side helping me the whole way. It was so peaceful, uneventful, easy.
When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.
We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.
I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.
I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.
And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.
The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.
When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.
We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.
I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.
I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.
And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.
The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Searching for Nevin's voice
I can not believe my Nevin is going to be 4 this coming Monday. He has been such a little joy for our family, always the little joker trying to get a laugh. He is the kid who likes monsters, laughs at what Jerry does to Tom, comes out of his room in wacky outfits, pretends to be a ghost and will always find you if you are sad and give you a big hug and pat on the back. He loves his brothers but also knows exactly how to push their buttons and get them screaming. He is my animal lover, every dog is "my dog-dog", he watches birds, squats down to watch the cat slink around the house and has a big hug for Peanut every day. He is very smart but extremely strong willed. There are times he will not apply his smarts because it doesn't strike his fancy. It is Nevin's way or the highway. To know him is to love him.
When I was pregnant with Nevin I had a reacuring dream about him that always puzzled me until now. I started having this dream when I was about 8 months pregnant. We had moved into a new rental house and it was a stressful time with money, a very active almost 2 year old and baby on the way. The dream would start with me giving birth and the baby being whisked away. I would come into another room to find the nurse with the baby who had a cleft lip and a mouth full of teeth. She was pulling all of his teeth out and throwing them away. I was so shocked and demanded to know what was going on. She told me all his teeth needed to come out so they could fix his mouth. Then I would wake up.
I found this theory on teeth and dreams and thought it was fitting,
There are many theories about what teeth represent in a dream. Teeth can represent smiling and therefore could represent happiness or joy. They may also represent your sense of financial stability. Another meaning of teeth is communication. If your teeth fall out in your dream, consider if you’ve been having difficulty communicating with someone, if you’re having concerns about your financial stability (i.e. when your teeth which are normally a constant stable part of your body fall out, you are losing your sense of security and stability), or if something in your waking life has affected your happiness in a negative way (like losing your ability to smile/show your pearly whites).
I find the dream and this description fascinating. One thing all Nevin's speech therapist have said is that he sounds like a kid with a cleft palette. Kids can be born with a cleft on their soft palette in the back of the mouth but I have taken Nev to an ENT and that was ruled out. He has terrible teeth problems that I believe is related to his thyroid condition and it going untreated for so long. Our finances were very shaking at this time but we were also very excited about another baby. The obvious sign of communication problems.
Nevin has been in speech therapy for 2 years now and we have made amazing strides in his communication. The sad thing is most of you would still have lots of difficulty communicating with him. He can string out a whole sentence that I can understand and the rest of the room have no idea what he said. Every day he tries to communicate things that none of us can understand. That is where sign language and his iPad talker help. But then I remember he is 4 and he has so much more to offer, so many stories to tell, questions to ask and I get frustrated for him that he can't do that. No wonder we have melt downs, screaming fits and other behavior issues. When you have gone 4 years with very limited vocabulary you would be frustrated to. His two speech therapists work endlessly to help him and are so devoted to his success. These women are a true blessing. But it still seems there is a puzzle piece missing. We are all trying to find it. I am determined to keep hearing more and more of Nevin's voice each day and one day to have him speak fluidly. I can not let go of that hope for him and us as well.
When I was pregnant with Nevin I had a reacuring dream about him that always puzzled me until now. I started having this dream when I was about 8 months pregnant. We had moved into a new rental house and it was a stressful time with money, a very active almost 2 year old and baby on the way. The dream would start with me giving birth and the baby being whisked away. I would come into another room to find the nurse with the baby who had a cleft lip and a mouth full of teeth. She was pulling all of his teeth out and throwing them away. I was so shocked and demanded to know what was going on. She told me all his teeth needed to come out so they could fix his mouth. Then I would wake up.
I found this theory on teeth and dreams and thought it was fitting,
There are many theories about what teeth represent in a dream. Teeth can represent smiling and therefore could represent happiness or joy. They may also represent your sense of financial stability. Another meaning of teeth is communication. If your teeth fall out in your dream, consider if you’ve been having difficulty communicating with someone, if you’re having concerns about your financial stability (i.e. when your teeth which are normally a constant stable part of your body fall out, you are losing your sense of security and stability), or if something in your waking life has affected your happiness in a negative way (like losing your ability to smile/show your pearly whites).
I find the dream and this description fascinating. One thing all Nevin's speech therapist have said is that he sounds like a kid with a cleft palette. Kids can be born with a cleft on their soft palette in the back of the mouth but I have taken Nev to an ENT and that was ruled out. He has terrible teeth problems that I believe is related to his thyroid condition and it going untreated for so long. Our finances were very shaking at this time but we were also very excited about another baby. The obvious sign of communication problems.
Nevin has been in speech therapy for 2 years now and we have made amazing strides in his communication. The sad thing is most of you would still have lots of difficulty communicating with him. He can string out a whole sentence that I can understand and the rest of the room have no idea what he said. Every day he tries to communicate things that none of us can understand. That is where sign language and his iPad talker help. But then I remember he is 4 and he has so much more to offer, so many stories to tell, questions to ask and I get frustrated for him that he can't do that. No wonder we have melt downs, screaming fits and other behavior issues. When you have gone 4 years with very limited vocabulary you would be frustrated to. His two speech therapists work endlessly to help him and are so devoted to his success. These women are a true blessing. But it still seems there is a puzzle piece missing. We are all trying to find it. I am determined to keep hearing more and more of Nevin's voice each day and one day to have him speak fluidly. I can not let go of that hope for him and us as well.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Derailed
I have been wanting to write this blog for awhile but I can't seem to get it to come out the right way. It just sounds like bitching and moaning and that is not what I intended. I wanted to write something about how we all have dreams and plans but they can be derailed when real life comes knocking. Then you have to find a way around the hard things to find the good things and bring in those dreams you always had. I have been struggling with how I pictured my life, myself and who I really am right now and what is going on in my life. Here was how I pictured my life before marriage:
Marry young. Start out small in an apartment and work/grow together for a couple years. Have a baby. Buy a starter house. Be able to stay home with baby. Take vacations. Have baby #2 a couple years later, Get a dog. Buy a bigger house. Homeschool my kids. Do crafts. Bake all the time. Eat healthy homemade organic food. Have baby #3 in a couple years. Go for long walks. Teach the kids to ride bikes in our quiet neighborhood. Have good friends with full friendships. Good church life. See extended family a lot. Keep having kids. Keep being creative and have a spotless house.
It sounds so silly. It sounds too perfect. It sounds out of reach. I still want that life though.
I did marry young. I was pregnant when we married. That wasn't why we got married but that was the reality of it. My hubby lost his job 2 weeks into the marriage. We were only alone for 6 months before baby arrived. Sometimes I felt like we barely knew each other and now we had to figure out how to be married and be parents at the same time. It was hard. We lived with my parents for 18 months because neither of us had jobs. We finally got on our feet and had baby 2. We got a dog. We bought a house. We had baby 3 who spent a lot of time in the hospital and almost did not come home alive. Our world turned into doctors and therapist for the two younger kids. We put Skyler in school. We put Nevin in public school (something I said I would never ever do). We bought a bigger house with inheritance money. Surprise baby 4 is on the way. We find out his kidneys might not be ok. Find out they will probably be ok after all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with therapy. I don't worry about Gav. I think Nevin may never move out. I hate cleaning. My house is not decorated. I have not taken a photo in years that was not a snap shot. My albums are years behind. I don't do crafts with my kids. I live in my mini van. I try to work side jobs to make money. I am tired from being pregnant. I have no clue how we will feed another mouth. I still dream of having more kids though. Although some days I cry because I don't know what I am doing with the 3 I have and why is God giving me 4? We do take walks in our quiet neighborhood. The kids are learning how to ride bikes and scooters. We have amazing family. We have good friendships. Church is not perfect but really good. My faith is stronger than I could have ever pictured. The schools my kids go to are amazing and give them way more than I could at home. Our therapists are family and a joy to me.
My life is not what I pictured. It is better than I thought it could be though. It is so hard but so rewarding. My kids aren't vanilla they are rocky road and it's ok. We don't really do playdates because it over stimulates my kids and they break down. We do have people over for dinner though. We do the best we can with what we have. I am determined to get a few of those images of perfect life into my normal life this year though. I don't know how but I will be more creative, we will have more fun, we will have less stress. Somehow.... In some way.... If mom doesn't do it, who will?
Marry young. Start out small in an apartment and work/grow together for a couple years. Have a baby. Buy a starter house. Be able to stay home with baby. Take vacations. Have baby #2 a couple years later, Get a dog. Buy a bigger house. Homeschool my kids. Do crafts. Bake all the time. Eat healthy homemade organic food. Have baby #3 in a couple years. Go for long walks. Teach the kids to ride bikes in our quiet neighborhood. Have good friends with full friendships. Good church life. See extended family a lot. Keep having kids. Keep being creative and have a spotless house.
It sounds so silly. It sounds too perfect. It sounds out of reach. I still want that life though.
I did marry young. I was pregnant when we married. That wasn't why we got married but that was the reality of it. My hubby lost his job 2 weeks into the marriage. We were only alone for 6 months before baby arrived. Sometimes I felt like we barely knew each other and now we had to figure out how to be married and be parents at the same time. It was hard. We lived with my parents for 18 months because neither of us had jobs. We finally got on our feet and had baby 2. We got a dog. We bought a house. We had baby 3 who spent a lot of time in the hospital and almost did not come home alive. Our world turned into doctors and therapist for the two younger kids. We put Skyler in school. We put Nevin in public school (something I said I would never ever do). We bought a bigger house with inheritance money. Surprise baby 4 is on the way. We find out his kidneys might not be ok. Find out they will probably be ok after all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with therapy. I don't worry about Gav. I think Nevin may never move out. I hate cleaning. My house is not decorated. I have not taken a photo in years that was not a snap shot. My albums are years behind. I don't do crafts with my kids. I live in my mini van. I try to work side jobs to make money. I am tired from being pregnant. I have no clue how we will feed another mouth. I still dream of having more kids though. Although some days I cry because I don't know what I am doing with the 3 I have and why is God giving me 4? We do take walks in our quiet neighborhood. The kids are learning how to ride bikes and scooters. We have amazing family. We have good friendships. Church is not perfect but really good. My faith is stronger than I could have ever pictured. The schools my kids go to are amazing and give them way more than I could at home. Our therapists are family and a joy to me.
My life is not what I pictured. It is better than I thought it could be though. It is so hard but so rewarding. My kids aren't vanilla they are rocky road and it's ok. We don't really do playdates because it over stimulates my kids and they break down. We do have people over for dinner though. We do the best we can with what we have. I am determined to get a few of those images of perfect life into my normal life this year though. I don't know how but I will be more creative, we will have more fun, we will have less stress. Somehow.... In some way.... If mom doesn't do it, who will?
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