Going from Home to Hospital

When we found out I was pregnant with Skyler I knew wanted to be untraditional and have a home birth and I knew who I wanted to deliver my baby immediately. There was really no question in my mind about it. Ryan was a little nervous about it until we sat down with Dr.Duhart and had a consultation. Ryan really liked him and had a lot of confidence in the process. 9 months later we welcomed Skyler into the world in our little south city apartment with Dr.Duhart, my mom and our friend Janie (who by the way had 11 of her 12 at home). It was such a beautiful moment when he arrived. As soon as Doc said it was a boy I called out his name for the first time and got to hold him. Janie helped me while my parents were the first to give Skyler a bath. Ryan took lots of pictures of everything going on. There was no turning back. We knew we would have more kids and we knew home birth was the way for us. Not even two years later we welcomed Nevin in the same fashion at our rental house in Mapleweood. While Skyler came minutes before midnight Nevin came right before 7 am. Just as I pushed him out my dad arrived to take Skyler who had just woken up. It was the coolest moment for Skyler to see his brother minutes after he arrived. My mom made a big breakfast for everyone and soon after the house was quiet with just Ryan, myself and our new bundle curled up on the couch getting some rest. True to form almost exactly two years later we had Mr. Gavyn at our new house in south city. He arrived mid afternoon. The big boys got to spend the whole day with Pa Pa getting spoiled (I am sure they ate ice cream and played trains all day). There was something especially beautiful about Gavyn's birth. I don't know if it is because I had had a good nights sleep, because he was the third and I was very confident in my ability, or because God knew I needed something beautiful to look back on while he was laying in the hospital. I look back at his birth with the most fond memories though. I remember thinking how grateful I was that I was able to have home births. To be surrounded by strong confident women while I labored. To have a loving and caring husband by my side helping me the whole way. It was so peaceful, uneventful, easy.

When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.

We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.

I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.

I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.

And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.

The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.