Now that I am 23 weeks pregnant I am finally getting some energy and it feels great! I was getting a little worried that with the boys, school, and just being a mom that maybe I wouldn't get much energy back this time. I am very glad that isn't the case. The last couple weeks have been great and I am feeling very accomplished with house projects.
When we bought our house last June we had a big list of projects that we wanted to get done. One of the projects we were hoping to do before we even moved in was pull out the carpet and refinish the original wood floors. Unfortunately our closing day got moved out and we already had movers scheduled for a certain day to move us and we ran out of time. But, the weekend of the super bowl we decided to rip the carpet out and get going on this huge project. True to all house projects we first pulled back a small section in each room to see the floors and some how every corner but one that we pulled back made it look like the floors were in good shape. Thankfully the one corner we knew was going to be a problem room and Ryan's dad made sure to rent a sander before even showing up Saturday morning. Once the two of them got all the carpet out of the house they realized every room would need to be sanded which meant staining the floors and putting a coat of poly on top. Very quickly our two day project turned into a five day! So typical of any house project, right? In the end it was so worth it though. We have great parents, Ryan and his dad worked tirelessly (12 hours a day!) for two days straight to get the carpet out, floors sanded and stain on. My parents let us stay at their house for 5 days since our house was completely torn up. My dad helped Ryan get the two coats of poly on the floors and my parents and brother helped me clean the whole house and move all the furniture back. I have no idea how we would do these things without their support. Not to mention the money it saved us to do the project ourselves and not have to stay in a hotel! And now the floors look amazing! It instantly made the house more beautiful.
Now I am collecting some great deals on home decor to redecorate our family room. I have been scouring the Internet for ideas and starting a little collection of them. I am pretty excited to finalize the paint and get it bought so I can put together all my ideas. I am really proud of myself and the money I have saved finding things on clearance or good sales that is still exactly what I wanted. I am determined to not compromise what style I want in each room even if that means it takes me twice as long to do. We live on a very tight budget and I don't want to waste what little money I can spend on something I don't really want just to get something. I like a good challenge though. :)
My parents got Gavyn a toddler bed and we got it put together today. We rearranged the furniture in his room to make room for it and I am super happy with how it looks. The only thing we may still need is another dresser in the room. I might be able to rearrange what is where and make it work for two little boys though. Thankfully we have an empty dresser in the basement and won't have to buy a new one!
I am just pleased to see things getting checked off of our to-do-list even if it takes longer than I would like. We have many years to get things done at this house and we are taking our time to do them right. Hoping to keep some momentum going though since we are adding another little man in a few months. :)
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Going from Home to Hospital
When we found out I was pregnant with Skyler I knew wanted to be untraditional and have a home birth and I knew who I wanted to deliver my baby immediately. There was really no question in my mind about it. Ryan was a little nervous about it until we sat down with Dr.Duhart and had a consultation. Ryan really liked him and had a lot of confidence in the process. 9 months later we welcomed Skyler into the world in our little south city apartment with Dr.Duhart, my mom and our friend Janie (who by the way had 11 of her 12 at home). It was such a beautiful moment when he arrived. As soon as Doc said it was a boy I called out his name for the first time and got to hold him. Janie helped me while my parents were the first to give Skyler a bath. Ryan took lots of pictures of everything going on. There was no turning back. We knew we would have more kids and we knew home birth was the way for us. Not even two years later we welcomed Nevin in the same fashion at our rental house in Mapleweood. While Skyler came minutes before midnight Nevin came right before 7 am. Just as I pushed him out my dad arrived to take Skyler who had just woken up. It was the coolest moment for Skyler to see his brother minutes after he arrived. My mom made a big breakfast for everyone and soon after the house was quiet with just Ryan, myself and our new bundle curled up on the couch getting some rest. True to form almost exactly two years later we had Mr. Gavyn at our new house in south city. He arrived mid afternoon. The big boys got to spend the whole day with Pa Pa getting spoiled (I am sure they ate ice cream and played trains all day). There was something especially beautiful about Gavyn's birth. I don't know if it is because I had had a good nights sleep, because he was the third and I was very confident in my ability, or because God knew I needed something beautiful to look back on while he was laying in the hospital. I look back at his birth with the most fond memories though. I remember thinking how grateful I was that I was able to have home births. To be surrounded by strong confident women while I labored. To have a loving and caring husband by my side helping me the whole way. It was so peaceful, uneventful, easy.
When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.
We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.
I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.
I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.
And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.
The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.
When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.
We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.
I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.
I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.
And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.
The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Searching for Nevin's voice
I can not believe my Nevin is going to be 4 this coming Monday. He has been such a little joy for our family, always the little joker trying to get a laugh. He is the kid who likes monsters, laughs at what Jerry does to Tom, comes out of his room in wacky outfits, pretends to be a ghost and will always find you if you are sad and give you a big hug and pat on the back. He loves his brothers but also knows exactly how to push their buttons and get them screaming. He is my animal lover, every dog is "my dog-dog", he watches birds, squats down to watch the cat slink around the house and has a big hug for Peanut every day. He is very smart but extremely strong willed. There are times he will not apply his smarts because it doesn't strike his fancy. It is Nevin's way or the highway. To know him is to love him.
When I was pregnant with Nevin I had a reacuring dream about him that always puzzled me until now. I started having this dream when I was about 8 months pregnant. We had moved into a new rental house and it was a stressful time with money, a very active almost 2 year old and baby on the way. The dream would start with me giving birth and the baby being whisked away. I would come into another room to find the nurse with the baby who had a cleft lip and a mouth full of teeth. She was pulling all of his teeth out and throwing them away. I was so shocked and demanded to know what was going on. She told me all his teeth needed to come out so they could fix his mouth. Then I would wake up.
I found this theory on teeth and dreams and thought it was fitting,
There are many theories about what teeth represent in a dream. Teeth can represent smiling and therefore could represent happiness or joy. They may also represent your sense of financial stability. Another meaning of teeth is communication. If your teeth fall out in your dream, consider if you’ve been having difficulty communicating with someone, if you’re having concerns about your financial stability (i.e. when your teeth which are normally a constant stable part of your body fall out, you are losing your sense of security and stability), or if something in your waking life has affected your happiness in a negative way (like losing your ability to smile/show your pearly whites).
I find the dream and this description fascinating. One thing all Nevin's speech therapist have said is that he sounds like a kid with a cleft palette. Kids can be born with a cleft on their soft palette in the back of the mouth but I have taken Nev to an ENT and that was ruled out. He has terrible teeth problems that I believe is related to his thyroid condition and it going untreated for so long. Our finances were very shaking at this time but we were also very excited about another baby. The obvious sign of communication problems.
Nevin has been in speech therapy for 2 years now and we have made amazing strides in his communication. The sad thing is most of you would still have lots of difficulty communicating with him. He can string out a whole sentence that I can understand and the rest of the room have no idea what he said. Every day he tries to communicate things that none of us can understand. That is where sign language and his iPad talker help. But then I remember he is 4 and he has so much more to offer, so many stories to tell, questions to ask and I get frustrated for him that he can't do that. No wonder we have melt downs, screaming fits and other behavior issues. When you have gone 4 years with very limited vocabulary you would be frustrated to. His two speech therapists work endlessly to help him and are so devoted to his success. These women are a true blessing. But it still seems there is a puzzle piece missing. We are all trying to find it. I am determined to keep hearing more and more of Nevin's voice each day and one day to have him speak fluidly. I can not let go of that hope for him and us as well.
When I was pregnant with Nevin I had a reacuring dream about him that always puzzled me until now. I started having this dream when I was about 8 months pregnant. We had moved into a new rental house and it was a stressful time with money, a very active almost 2 year old and baby on the way. The dream would start with me giving birth and the baby being whisked away. I would come into another room to find the nurse with the baby who had a cleft lip and a mouth full of teeth. She was pulling all of his teeth out and throwing them away. I was so shocked and demanded to know what was going on. She told me all his teeth needed to come out so they could fix his mouth. Then I would wake up.
I found this theory on teeth and dreams and thought it was fitting,
There are many theories about what teeth represent in a dream. Teeth can represent smiling and therefore could represent happiness or joy. They may also represent your sense of financial stability. Another meaning of teeth is communication. If your teeth fall out in your dream, consider if you’ve been having difficulty communicating with someone, if you’re having concerns about your financial stability (i.e. when your teeth which are normally a constant stable part of your body fall out, you are losing your sense of security and stability), or if something in your waking life has affected your happiness in a negative way (like losing your ability to smile/show your pearly whites).
I find the dream and this description fascinating. One thing all Nevin's speech therapist have said is that he sounds like a kid with a cleft palette. Kids can be born with a cleft on their soft palette in the back of the mouth but I have taken Nev to an ENT and that was ruled out. He has terrible teeth problems that I believe is related to his thyroid condition and it going untreated for so long. Our finances were very shaking at this time but we were also very excited about another baby. The obvious sign of communication problems.
Nevin has been in speech therapy for 2 years now and we have made amazing strides in his communication. The sad thing is most of you would still have lots of difficulty communicating with him. He can string out a whole sentence that I can understand and the rest of the room have no idea what he said. Every day he tries to communicate things that none of us can understand. That is where sign language and his iPad talker help. But then I remember he is 4 and he has so much more to offer, so many stories to tell, questions to ask and I get frustrated for him that he can't do that. No wonder we have melt downs, screaming fits and other behavior issues. When you have gone 4 years with very limited vocabulary you would be frustrated to. His two speech therapists work endlessly to help him and are so devoted to his success. These women are a true blessing. But it still seems there is a puzzle piece missing. We are all trying to find it. I am determined to keep hearing more and more of Nevin's voice each day and one day to have him speak fluidly. I can not let go of that hope for him and us as well.
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