Derailed

I have been wanting to write this blog for awhile but I can't seem to get it to come out the right way. It just sounds like bitching and moaning and that is not what I intended. I wanted to write something about how we all have dreams and plans but they can be derailed when real life comes knocking. Then you have to find a way around the hard things to find the good things and bring in those dreams you always had. I have been struggling with how I pictured my life, myself and who I really am right now and what is going on in my life. Here was how I pictured my life before marriage:

Marry young. Start out small in an apartment and work/grow together for a couple years. Have a baby. Buy a starter house. Be able to stay home with baby. Take vacations. Have baby #2 a couple years later, Get a dog. Buy a bigger house. Homeschool my kids. Do crafts. Bake all the time. Eat healthy homemade organic food. Have baby #3 in a couple years. Go for long walks. Teach the kids to ride bikes in our quiet neighborhood. Have good friends with full friendships. Good church life. See extended family a lot. Keep having kids. Keep being creative and have a spotless house.

It sounds so silly. It sounds too perfect. It sounds out of reach. I still want that life though.

I did marry young. I was pregnant when we married. That wasn't why we got married but that was the reality of it. My hubby lost his job 2 weeks into the marriage. We were only alone for 6 months before baby arrived. Sometimes I felt like we barely knew each other and now we had to figure out how to be married and be parents at the same time. It was hard. We lived with my parents for 18 months because neither of us had jobs. We finally got on our feet and had baby 2. We got a dog. We bought a house. We had baby 3 who spent a lot of time in the hospital and almost did not come home alive. Our world turned into doctors and therapist for the two younger kids. We put Skyler in school. We put Nevin in public school (something I said I would never ever do). We bought a bigger house with inheritance money. Surprise baby 4 is on the way. We find out his kidneys might not be ok. Find out they will probably be ok after all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with therapy. I don't worry about Gav. I think Nevin may never move out. I hate cleaning. My house is not decorated. I have not taken a photo in years that was not a snap shot. My albums are years behind. I don't do crafts with my kids. I live in my mini van. I try to work side jobs to make money. I am tired from being pregnant. I have no clue how we will feed another mouth. I still dream of having more kids though. Although some days I cry because I don't know what I am doing with the 3 I have and why is God giving me 4? We do take walks in our quiet neighborhood. The kids are learning how to ride bikes and scooters. We have amazing family. We have good friendships. Church is not perfect but really good. My faith is stronger than I could have ever pictured. The schools my kids go to are amazing and give them way more than I could at home. Our therapists are family and a joy to me.

My life is not what I pictured. It is better than I thought it could be though. It is so hard but so rewarding. My kids aren't vanilla they are rocky road and it's ok. We don't really do playdates because it over stimulates my kids and they break down. We do have people over for dinner though. We do the best we can with what we have. I am determined to get a few of those images of perfect life into my normal life this year though. I don't know how but I will be more creative, we will have more fun, we will have less stress. Somehow.... In some way.... If mom doesn't do it, who will?