Mommy time

Today is mommy day! I got to leave the house early this am, go out for breakfast with my wonderful sis-in-law and cousin and then have the rest of the afternoon to myself! My mom even invited us over for dinner which means no cooking! I scored big on that l one. Can you tell I'm excited? Lots of !!!! going on. It has been a great day to relax and refresh. Did a little shopping, a little driving, lots of blogging and coffee drinking. It has been a great day for an introvert to be introverted. I love our home, I love all our boys, I love that we have an open door policy, I love having our friend live with us. I also love being an introvert and sitting by myself having quiet. I get energy from being quiet and being alone and with a family of 6 +1 there is not a lot of that. I needed time alone to be me, to not talk, to think, to enjoy. I'm soaking it up. Now, I'm going to finish my coffee and read The Hobbit. Can't get more introverted than that! 

Contentment

Hey friends! Just a few thoughts I have had over the last month.

Ryan started his job the first week of May and it is so exciting to see him come home and be happy about work. Not just happy but excited and content. He is just where he needs to be. It is so great that he works not just in a great office but at a great church with people who genuinely care about our family. When we had the fall out with Nevin's surgery his boss was actually upset for us, we have never really experienced that. It is so awesome and just a breath, a wind, of fresh air on our family. There has been so much less stress for Ryan which in turn is less stress for me and less stress for the kids. I feel like we are all just sighing in relief.

It was two years this past weekend that we bought and moved into our new house. I feel like we have been here for forever though! I miss our neighbors from Loughborough like crazy but that is the only thing I miss! I really love our house. I was remembering when we first walked in with our agent to see the house. Ryan was quiet, I was quiet, we just walked from room to room, looked (stared) at the great back yard, finally stopped and just looked at each other and our agent like, "This is it, can this seriously be our house?" We went back and forth quite a bit with the owner and bidding on the house. I would drive by every day and sit in our van across the street and pray that we would get the house. The owner actually turned down our final offer and I wrote a letter to him telling him how we had three boys and loved the house, the neighborhood, the school district and that we couldn't offer more and would he please accept our offer. Obviously he did. I still don't believe we actually own this home.

Even with all the ups and downs for Nevin and Gavyn and their health and different procedures we need to get done they are both little super heros. They just keep going, keep learning, keep trying, and are the best of friends. I told Ryan the other night, even when we have a set back I just have to keep going. I can't focus on the things that were supposed to happen or should have happened or the crap doctor we got, because eventually we will find a fabulous one that will keep moving us forward. It's like that movie, Meet The Robinsons, you have to keep moving forward.

Around here ... we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious ... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.

WALT DISNEY, closing credits of Meet the Robinsons

The Journey

This past week Ryan was officially offered the Communication Assistants position at First E Free Church in West County. We feel extremely blessed and are very excited about this opportunity. He had his first day on Thursday and came home excited and feeling fulfilled. It really feels like this is going to be a great fit for him and our family and the kind of job we had been dreaming of. The one tough thing about the position is that we need to attend E Free and leave our home church of 8 years, The Journey. I felt compelled to write our story, to tell of our relationship with this church before saying goodbye this weekend.

There has been good, bad, ugly and beautiful that has come out of our time.

The beautiful things that have happened, our marriage grew and we stayed together for almost 8 years now and our church had a big hand in that. We have had four children, dedicated them to God here, taught them about Jesus and had some amazing people love on them. We have met people who love Jesus and love us and truly live the gospel. And we have some amazing pastors who have imparted lots of wisdom to us.

There has been a tiny bit of ugly but it was also followed by beauty. When you live in community with people and share your lives sometimes you don't get along. Sometimes you have misunderstandings and arguments. There have been some ugly times with those kinds of situations but, I can honestly say God has brought restoration through all of them and that is beautiful.

There have been hard times. One of the happiest times in our lives was when Ryan was employed for the church. We bought our first house, had two kids, got a dog. We were on mission and it was fulfilling. When his position was no longer needed and they let Ryan go it started off what ended up being the hardest two years of our life. Two weeks prior to them letting him go we found out we were pregnant with Gavyn and it went from joy to hurt, wondering what the heck God was thinking letting us get pregnant with no income. The rest of that year was beyond stressful financially. And of course after Gavyn was born our life got even more complicated. I felt utterly abandoned by God and our church during a lot of that time. Rough is an understatement. But God pulled us through and the fall after Gavyn was born we landed in the most amazing community group.

That community group has made the last two years at the church amazing. We have formed some very strong bonds and God has used that group of people to show me what the church is supposed to look like. After Ryan got let go the easy thing would have been to turn our back on the church but we didn't and I'm so glad we didn't because we would have never met any of those people. They restored my faith in a lot of things. I don't know if any of them will ever know how important they are to me and how much I love them.

Another great thing about the Journey, the pastors. We have had a lot of them! Amazing teachers, brilliant debaters, Jesus lovers. Right now I believe the Tower Grove campus is blessed with the best team of pastors a church could ask for. Jeremy is an amazing teacher and a compassionate leader. Josh Wilson has the biggest heart of any man I have ever met. Jeff and Amber have a beautiful family and heart for Jesus that draws you in and they make you feel like family. I could go on and on but know that if you attend or are thinking of attending the Tower Grove campus there are men there who will love you and lead you well.

That seems like a good note to end on. I am sure I could write a novel on this subject but I won't. Just know we loved this church, this church loved us, it was never and will never be perfect though, because it is just like every other place on this earth full of broken sinners. But that's ok because it is full of people genuinely trying to make a difference, to grow, to learn, to be like Jesus. We will miss it.

Home Birth

I just watched the documentary 'The Business of Being Born' with Rikki Lake and found it super interesting but, a little misleading at times. I am not going to lie, I like to shock people now and again and when I tell people I had three of my four kids at home, it gets a good reaction. There was a lot of history in the movie about our country and how birthing has changed and how dramatically fast it happened. Some of it I knew but some of it was shocking. The information on how many infant deaths our country has in comparison to others was disturbing. If someone has a bad home birth experience you hear about it, it's national news but what about all these babies dying in hospitals? No one knows about that. Anyway.... I would recommend it. Can I give a little insight though? Here's my two cents.

First thing I have to clear up - I get asked all the time. I did not birth any of my four kids in the bath tub or any kind of water what-so-ever. I'm not a fan of the water birth thing. I actually gave birth the same way all four times, in my bed (hospital bed the last time), propped up with pillows. And contrary to what they say in the documentary that did not seem to make it any harder on me or the kiddos. I get what they were saying but the whole squat and slide out thing didn't work for me. Just saying.

Second - I was never naked giving birth! Seriously! What was with all those women being naked? Every time Ryan walked in the room - another pregnant lady in labor buck naked! He couldn't believe it, he asked me, what's up with that?! Haha....

I had to clear that up.

And you might be wondering what my over all thoughts of home birthing are after Gav. Would I recommend it? Would I do it again?

Yes and yes.

Here's why... If you get proper prenatal care and all of your tests done to make sure you and baby are healthy there should be no reason to question home birth. Giving birth is not a scary medical thing. It's a perfectly natural occurrence that our bodies are designed to do and handle. It is truly the most amazing, life altering experience. Giving birth was the most affirming, empowering experience of my life. I am woman - hear my labor groans! Again, if you and baby are healthy, baby is in a good position, home birth it up girl!

And if I was not a GroupB carrier I would totally do home birth again, if there is ever an again. Sadly, I can't take the chance with GroupB and sadly there probably won't be another time.

And after saying that, hospital births do not all have to be horrible, like the documentary leads you to believe. My birth with Gideon was really wonderful. You need to be admit about what you want, you have to know your stuff and you might have to be a bitch, sorry, but don't let them push you around. No one talked me into anything, I had to talk them into stuff. I know that was because of my history and things turned out a little shocking but it's also because I didn't let them push me around. I told them no about a number of things and you can too. You make your birth experience. Make it what you want it to be.

Fill in the blanks

I feel like this blog needs a quick run down on everyone in the fam!

Ryan.... Business is going rather well and hopefully within the next month we will have some announcements to make. :) His photo blog Found on Cherokee is debuting on PBS this Sunday afternoon! They interviewed him and filmed he and Skyler taking pictures. Check it out from 1-4!!! He has taken up running again and it's nice to see him doing something for himself like that.

Skyler... He has turned into quite the little math whiz. Today he was super proud to show me his completed math page (about 15 problems) "with no mistakes, no help and no abacus!" I am super proud of him and excited to see him so excited about school and a certain subject. He has so many friends at school and the kids on our street. This summer is going to be great to let him just go play outside with kids. He is also getting super big - 97th percentile for his height and 60 something percentile for weight. Next year he will be as big as me and I wish that was more of a joke than it really is.

Nevin... He is doing great in school and with all his therapy. Within the last couple weeks he has really taken to video games. It's amazing to me to watch him play and how quickly he is picking it up. Now Skyler has to take turns with the wii and it's good for all of them. Nev is also crazy about the pool at Carondelet Y. He is getting really good at holding his breath under water for a long time! He loves the green slide and of course the water guns. He is a little fish and needs to take swim lessons!

Gavyn... Still our little cutie pie. He is loving school and Journey Kids! He talks about them both ALL the time and it is so sweet. He tells me about his friends and what they did and what kind of snack they had. I could die from his cuteness. He also loves to talk about zombies and shooting them with his gun and how they are always in his bed. Oh. My. Gosh. It's hysterical. Mostly because he doesn't even really know what zombies are but was told. He cracks me up all day long.

Gideon... Baby monster is what I affectionately call him. Between the crazy screams and sounds and the attacking of your face he loves to do, it fits. He is sweet but wild! He figured crawling out the week before Easter. Figured out pulling up. Is figuring out cruising. Today he was standing in his crib when I went to get him. He's a mover and a shaker. It's so wonderful and refreshing to have a typically developing baby and I treasure every moment. I give him three more weeks and then he will walk.

And me.... Keeping busy! Still working out 5 mornings a week at 5! It's crazy but really good. Driving the kids everywhere, making doctor and therapy appt all the time and chasing after them. Trying to blog as much as I can and be a voice for special needs, my other blog has over 5000 hits and that's exciting! My big projects right now are simple landscaping and decorating the dinning room/my studio, should be fun!

Nothing Much

This past weekend was full. Skyler has started swimming lessons and he loves it! The instructor is a dude and all the kids in the class are boys. Yikes! I'm actually thankful for that. I always appreciate when they can have a male anything. Early education and peds are so heavily run by women, which is totally awesome, but with 4 boys I love it when they get a guy to do things with or talk to. That was one of the main reasons I picked a highly recommended male pediatrician. Hopefully he will be their doc for a long time and I want them to be comfortable talking about anything with him. Anyway, end rant here.

While Skyler does swim lessons Ryan and I have been going to counseling which is awesome. Our counselor is this super trendy hipster guy that is really easy to talk to but really good at telling us to get our crap together. And of course we have church on Saturday nights and that is always a good time. I love that our CG and my parents all go to the same service and sit together. In a church as large as ours it is nice to be known. Ya know? :)

Sunday we made a family trip to the Mills Mall. It was supposed to be super fun, exciting, eat lunch out, yay! It was slightly a disaster though and I was so glad to leave. I did get some clothes which was awesome and lunch was yummy but, Nev was being a little pill box and really not feeling being there. That always makes everything hard and I think we were all relieved to say goodbye mall and head to grandma's house. The rest of the afternoon was spent hanging at my mom's and celebrating Tina's birthday with her and Matt, Chad and Chrystal. It was a good time had by all and some freakin good food. Slight food coma after it was all done.

I wound down the evening by doing a tax return, watching some 30 Rock and heading to bed early. After lasts weeks sickness I didn't work out at all. Ouch. This week will be so much better! Opened it up with a swim and plan on doing some weight training this afternoon. Go me.

Hope everyone else had a lovely weekend and is ready to start this week strong with some extra daylight!

Sweet Baby Gideon

 My sweet little surprise Gideon Grey is already 8 months old. Seems like a few weeks ago I was cuddling him in the hospital. Isn't he super precious in this picture? I miss that newborn stage when they fit right under your chin like that and smell like a sweet new baby. I was very conscious of soaking up those moments with him because I knew they would be gone too soon. 

 

I love all four of my boys very, very much but... I will not lie there is a special little something about Gid. I always pictured myself with four kids but Ryan was never hip on that idea and after our struggles with Gav and Nev I was scared to have another myself. When we found out I was pregnant the entire pregnancy was a roller coaster of emotions for me. The day he was born I was so excited to finally get my hands on him and cuddle him. It was the sweetest moment to look at him and see he was ok and that there were no complications. It was a big sigh of relief. I'm not saying he's my favorite, I'm just saying he is my little buddy and will be spoiled as the baby of the family for as long as I can get away with it. I mean, look at that face!

He has just been a joy, pure joy. There is no denying that he is a momma's boy and I love it! The other boys loved me but were not what I would label a 'momma's boy'. Gideon on the other hand is a momma's boy. Now that he is big and strong he will literally shove other people who pick him up to try and catapult himself to me. Love. I already told Ryan we will save money on preschool because the other three boys will be in school full time when he is ready for preschool and I can keep him home and do it here. I'm not sending my baby away anytime soon. He is too sweet and just loves to be in my company. Most days he is permanently attached to my hip going with the flow helping me get stuff done. Although, crawling is probably gonna happen in two-three weeks from now. That boy is a scooting and a wiggling and a shaking! He can go backwards on his belly the length of our house and it won't be long before he figures out how to propel himself forward and to pull up on everything in the house. I can't wait. Seriously. I love a crawling baby. Before long he will be one and I will have no idea where this first year went. Ah! I love him to death and could squeeze him all day. Just saying.

Little Men

I have been thinking on this subject for some time and I will be up-front, I'm not sure how this will come out. I might pull it off gracefully but, I doubt it. It might just sound bad and be offensive to some people. Let me know if it does! I like a good dialog.

With our new "take back the fun" this year we have been out and about more. We have hit up the parks, mall, zoo, and I have observed this in just our normal outings (school, church, docs). What have I been observing? Mom's with little boys. Obviously, I know nothing about raising little women, not a clue. Actually, I am so in "boy culture" all the time that when a little girl is around I feel tongue tied almost. I am just not sure how to talk to that breed of child and they are a different breed for sure! But boys, I know something about them, I know how to talk the lingo and I am getting kind of fed up watching mom's with their boys. And this is why...

What happened to letting boys be boys?

I am all about individuality and finding your kids individual needs and also understand their individual personality. There is no pat answer for parenting because we are all individual and you can't parent different kids the same. You just can't. I am also not talking about trying to raising stereotypical boys. The man I married is masculine but not stereotypical. He is not the kind of guy to sit around with a beer and watch sports. He is the kind of guy to take his camera and hang off a building in the ghetto with pit-bulls chasing you down trying to get a good shot. To each his own!

Back to boys being boys. Here is something I have learned about my boys:
They love danger
They love a fight
They love to win
They love to be loud
They love to take a chance
They love to be protectors

That is a small list of things I have observed in my short seven years of being a mother to boys, our future men and leaders. And I am noticing an unsettling trend in observing mom's with their boys.
Danger is not allowed - you might get hurt
We shouldn't fight - we need to talk about it
Winning doesn't matter - lets not even keep score
Shhh! Keep your voice down
Think about every move before you make it
We can take care of ourselves

Now, all these things in and of themselves have a place, obviously. What I don't like is that we are taking away the true nature, the true needs of our boys to just be boys. I feel these traits (in particular) are building blocks to make them into good men. They need to learn how to take a risk and be dangerous so in the future when a hard decision comes they won't be afraid of it. They will be able to face the challenge head on and hopefully succeed but if they don't succeed they will know how to lose and be ok with it. They need to know how to be loud if they are ever going to be heard in this world. This I believe is true for all children. This is something I am just now learning myself. When you have to fight down a Specialist to get the best care for your child or a school director to get the best education for your child you need to know how to use that voice. Let them learn to use their voice. And one of the most amazing things I have watched in all three of the oldest boys is how fiercely protective they are of each other and me. It is beautiful. It is a primal instinct to them to protect and to protect the "weaker" of the tribe. I'm a grown women who is very capable of handling a lot of different situations but there is something beautiful in taking a backseat and letting them take the lead and protect. Of course I don't take a back seat with my sons but letting them do little things like, open doors, carry things etc. makes them feel special, big, and strong. It is good for them. And watching how they each take care of the ones younger then themselves is precious. They just know to do it and they are good at it. And it is completely different from how a girl would protect or care for the younger. I'm talking about Skyler jumping in front of Gideon before Nevin almost (on accident) swipes him with his lightsaber. Or Nevin helping Gavyn out of his chair after meals but throwing him on the couch not placing him on the ground. Or Gavyn shoving the binki in Gideon's mouth to quiet him down or tossing the toy half way across the room and just missing his face. It's different but it's awesome and it is all boy. Yes, they are loud, they are wild, they are dangerous, they are boys. And I want to let them be boys. I want to see them grow up to be strong, risk taking, dangerous leaders of our culture.

And that's it.

So Much Energy

I already mentioned that back in December we joined the YMCA and now I am totally addicted it to. At the beginning of the month I was trying to come up with a plan to actually use the membership, it is not cheap even with the discount and I want to get all the ban for my buck that I can. My first thought was after Skyler got off to school I would pack up the other three, drive over there, drop them in childcare and workout for an hour. I think every other mom is South St. Louis had the exact same idea as me. I know it's January and E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E and their mom are at the gym but seriously, I could not even park, it was nuts. That morning I called a friend, met at McDonald's and let the kids play in the play area (no, I did not eat there). Epic fail. I also realized doing all that with three kids under the age of 5 on my own was not going to happen consistently, I needed a new plan. I pulled out my welcome packet and started looking at the classes. I had forgotten that there were tons of classes offered that happened to be free for members. Key word, free. I love a good deal and since I am already paying to go there I shouldn't have to pay extra for anything else, in my mind. I have been doing some aerobics kick boxing on a DVD at home and with my CG girls once a week. It just so happened there was a kick boxing class on Tue and Thur mornings, early, really early, 5:15 am early. OK, I told myself, I worked at Starbucks for a bagillion years and got up at 4:30 and I could do it again. I signed up. My friend joined the Y and signed up too. We were committed. I mean, when there is a class with an instructor and a friend all expecting you to get your butt up and show up you are gonna be there. At least I will be. I don't like to be a disappointment and that is highly motivating for me. We have been doing it since the second week of Jan. and we love it. Not only do I love the class and instructor, I get to see my friend and chat (motivation), and when I get home the house is quiet. Can I get an Amen from my mom friends out there? A quiet house? Does this seriously exists?! I have spent my married life with kids like this:
Get out of bed when the kids get you up
Grumble, grumble, make coffee
Rush around
Off to school
Disorganized mess trying to get things done
Picking kids up from school
Frantic making dinner
Baths, bed, chaos, exhaustion
Crash for 3 hours a night watching TV 
Go to bed way too late
Repeat
It wasn't working and after years of doing it it was really starting to get to me. I kept making excuses about it though. But finally this year I am doing something about it. Before Skyler was born and after he was born I was an active person. I never exercised on a regular bases but I was always doing stuff. Walking, biking, playing tennis some, my job always had me on my feet. After Nevin I was still active but it was a little harder with two. When I was pregnant with Gavyn I was determined to not gain a lot of baby weight and lose it all plus the extra 15lbs I had kept from the last two pregnancies. After he was born and got so sick I did drop all the baby weight from him because I barely ate while he was in the hospital (not healthy). When he came home I fell into deep depression and not only gained the baby weight back but plus some. I was the heaviest I had ever been and really unhappy. It wasn't until right before I got pregnant with Gideon that I had excepted my body for who I was and knew I needed to change but in a healthy way. Then I got pregnant. Yay! haha... I was really good though and only gained 20lbs with him and lost all of it before my 6 week check up with my doc. I was on a mission. I asked a friend who is a super inspiration (she has lost well over 100lbs on her own) about calorie counting and nursing and how that all worked. I had my mom ask her personal trainer about exercise after a baby and "baby belly". We started walking, I started counting calories, I slowly added in the kick boxing and I have lost another 20+ plus pounds. I stalled out over the last few months and that was another push to get the Y membership. I knew I needed to step it up a notch. And now here I am, a few weeks into it, a few pounds lighter and my life is suddenly not feeling so crazy. I am surprised to hear myself say it but, I love getting up early to a quiet house, thrown on some clothes, drive to the gym - alone, workout, come home and it is still quiet. I am getting dressed and showered, reading my Bible and praying, drinking my coffee all before everyone is up and bustling. I have my command center that is helping keep me super organized. Once a week I fill out the menu, the cleaning, the to-do list and all I have to do is check it every morning. I am totally staying on task. It has freed me up to do so much more with my day. The only sacrifice is going to bed early, but even that doesn't feel like a sacrifice. I knew I needed to stop watching so much TV as it was and now I'm almost forced to. It's the new me and I love it. 

Spring Time

What's the deal with St. Louis weather this year and last year? December never felt like Christmas time because one day it was 30 and the next 70 degrees outside. Now it's the end of January and almost 70 outside again. Yet, yesterday it was freezing rain all day. What the what? The nice thing is the kids have been outside a lot and are making friends with the neighbor kids that we didn't see all Summer because it was over 100 almost every day. I also am doing a lot of Spring cleaning before Spring. Go figure.

Other than the weird weather I am insanely addicted to going to the YMCA right now. We got a discounted membership in December but promptly got sick and didn't get to use it. My friend joined as well and we are on a mission to loose some pounds this year. We joined a kick boxing class twice a week for seven weeks that meets at 5:15 am. At first I was unsure about it but now I am addicted! I kind of want to pick a fight with someone so I can try out my moves! We also started meeting on Monday mornings to swim and man, those old people that swim every morning can kick my butt. I chatted up an 81 year old man this morning that swims over 36 laps a day. I was happy to swim 7 in 30 minutes this morning. It's the year of being Fit and Active and getting skinny.

Well, Monopoly boy is gonna go nuts if I don't get off here and go play a game.

Skyler

Seriously, when did my boy get so big?! Not only is he slowly creeping up on me with his height he's turning into a young man. I'm not ready for it but I'm excited for it. He is such a great kid, I know I'm partial but seriously, he is a great kid. About a month ago he started playing Junior Monopoly at my mom's house with PaPa and Grandma and about two weeks ago I got to play him. I laughed and told my mom we needed to pull out regular Monopoly for him because the Jr. was too easy. She thought I was crazy. Later that week we pulled it out. I think we have played Monopoly every day for the last week when he gets home from school. This kid is smart. It took him no time at all to figure out how to trade property and buy hotels. He even has strategy down! The first two times I played I sort of went easy on him but not anymore. Geez, that kid will take you down. Can we say competitive spirit? I have no idea where he gets it from ;-)  These are the memories I cherish and I am so glad I can stay home and play board games in the middle of the week in the middle of the day with my 6-year-old and not worry about cleaning the house but focus on him and loving him and building his character. Blessed.

Thoughts from the week

Just a few thoughts from this week...

I love the women in my life. I have a fabulous mom who helps me at the drop of a hat with anything. Picking kids up from school, helping with doctor and therapy appointments, taking us out for milkshakes. She is awesome. I also have 5 awesome ladies that I get to spend two different Bible studies with. It has been so great to open God's word with them, process through things, cry over things and do a ton of laughing together. I have gone many times in my life without strong women and I'm glad to finally be back at a place with lots of them!

I am thankful for great doctors. We have had our share of bad doctors and bad experiences with doctors but right now we have some great ones.

I'm really frustrated with the boys new insurance. Seriously. When we changed I told them who our PCP was and his name should be on their card. Received welcome packets for everyone but Nevin and all of them had a different doctors name on it and they weren't even doctors at our pediatricians practice. Really? Called, fixed the problem, waited 3 weeks (of course during the holidays) and never received new cards. Called again and got miss snotty pants on the phone. We were supposed to get new cards this week - got one for Nevin (yay!) and Skyler with the correct info.Perfect. None of Gav or Gid though. Arg! Now today finally got cards for everyone but Gid with the wrong info again. ?!?!? Called, fixed it, now we wait another week. Not sure what is wrong with those people.

Anxious to see if I can actually make the early morning kick boxing class at the Y on Tuesday.

Really not enjoying the lack of sleep going on with my baby. Really not enjoying the unsuccessful "crying it out" we are having. Foreseeing a long night of cuddling and nursing tonight because I like sleep and will do whatever to get it at night. Judge me, go ahead.....

Excited tomorrow is Saturday and we have family time and church planned. 

Command Center

Our life is a little crazy. I have gotten used to it but I am still scatter brained at times. I have had people (therapists, advocates, insurance) show up at my house in the a.m. that I forgot were coming and I am in my jammies un-showered. Thankfully, I am not a vain person and life goes on, even with unbrushed teeth during an hour of PT at 9am. But I have wanted to get an area in the house that I can post things to help me stay better organized. I am a very visual person and having a check list in front of me helps a lot. I don't get overwhelmed as easy and I love to mark things off after I get them accomplished! I have also had a system for bills with two little 31 Bags but the bags fall over and it ends up being a mess. I wanted to remedy that as well. I've been looking on Pinterest for ideas and found a lot of inspiration. Also, my sister in law did this super cute To Do list with just a frame, lined paper and dry erase marker. I wanted to do the same but needed a little more than one list. I ended up with:
A Menu list, complete with clips to hang up recipes or perhaps a list?
A Cleaning list - this is for my big cleaning projects I would like to do each week (i.e. change sheets, clean the bathroom)
A In box and Out box with clips for bills
A To Do list, this is for any other errands, projects, homework that need to get done.
I also hung up a huge cork board for whatever.
I bought the black frames, gray frames and clips at the Dollar Store (love that place!). The gold frame, cork board, paper and stickers I already had - Perfect! So, the whole thing only cost me $6 to make which was really awesome. Here are the pictures of before and after, enjoy!

New Start

I have fallen hopelessly behind with blogging this past year. I feel recharged with the start of a new month and year though! I am hoping to blog more on this blog as well as my other blog about Gavyn (www.processinggavyn.blogspot.com).

The last six months have offered up some big changes for our family and I am so excited to see what this year holds. In late Summer Ryan got a freelance job with a friend of his cousins, he was a very successful real estate agent starting a new company coaching other agents. After a string of freelance work Brian asked Ryan to go part time working for him. It was perfect timing, an answer to prayer, and completely unexpected. Don't you love that sort of thing? After only a few months working part time they had a meeting and realized that Ryan's position needed to move to a full time job. Woah! Again, totally unexpected but, so very hoped for. Technically Ryan is a full time contracted worker at this point. It seems like an exciting position for him, he is learning a lot of new skills, there is potential for growth and the best part, it is still graphic design. It is much needed security for our family and is really letting me take a deep breath and focus my energy on other things, not bills and when to pay what (the challenges of inconsistent pay periods)!

Skyler is a big First Grader this year at SCCS and has an awesome new teacher, Ms.Katelyn. She is young, energetic, full of enthusiasm and LOVES these kiddos. It has been a lot of fun to converse with her over the year about Skyler and school in general. He has been on some awesome enrichment trips already, he saw the George Washington exhibit at the History Museum and also saw The St. Louis Ballet perform 'The Nutcracker'. His favorite subject is Math, of course! And his reading is taking off like gangbusters. I have been excited to see his interests transition away from video games and more onto Legos and playing board games with Grandma and PaPa.

Nevin is in his second year of preschool and is going to be 5 in a few short weeks! Where did that time go? I still can not believe he will be going to kindergarten and riding a bus before I know it. I have been working closely with his teacher and therapists at school to come up with a really awesome plan to help him succeed and get ready for that transition. His new teacher, Ms.Pam has been really awesome and I am so happy for the switch, even after all my anxiety over it. God always has a bigger plan than I do.

Gavyn is getting ready to start his first year of preschool. I know, he's a baby! But somewhere in there he started to grow up a little and is actually ready for school. I am more excited for him to start than I was for Nevin and I think that's a good sign. It's good that I think he will like it, good that I think he will make friends and really good that we are in a school district that I feel comfortable sending my little three year old off to. He will always be our miracle baby and always surprise us with his determination and way of beating all odds.

Gideon is a little ball of baby energy and keeps me hopping. He is very aware of being the fourth child and knows how to get attention and keep-up already. I swear that kid will be walking before he's one. It is a joy to watch his big brothers interact with him, playing, caring, and just loving him to bits. He is my precious little surprise gift that God really knew what he was doing when he sent him to us. I'm gonna need that little boys joy in my life.

And me... I've been crazy like a chicken with its head cut off. Trying to keep up with two schools, therapists out the wazzo, a new baby, a marriage (!), Community Group, church, extended family and the few friends I manage to keep up with, my plate is full. Beyond full. Which brings me back to wanting to blog, to find a space for me, to get my thoughts down. If for nothing else in years gone by we can come back and read about the good memories I capture on here. A place for me to let out my thoughts, bad grammar and spelling mistakes included. And so I don't forget, my high for the day was when Ryan was reading the boys books (a Cars book) and came to the last page and said, "What is it?" Gavyn exclaimed, out of no where and it had nothing to do with the book, "A DRAGON!"

A month of 6

I can't believe Mr. Gideon Grey was born almost 5 weeks ago! We have been slowly adjusting to the feeling of four kiddos instead of three. The hardest change has been getting uneven sleep almost every night. You can't plan for it and you can't change it. We just have to wait it out and work on sleep training when he's bigger. The best part has been watching the three older boys absolutely love him to death. Nev loves to kiss his cheeks, Gav loves his little piggy toes, Skyler loves to hold him. They are all big helpers which is so nice! There hasn't been jealousy but we have been very proactive with extra activities for them! Gideon is a little joy to have around. He is not overly fussy, eats well, takes good naps. I am hoping he continues to be easy going with this wild crew! I am excited to see him change and grow over the next month! He is already more awake and alert and super strong! The little guy can already roll from side to tummy in his crib and occasionly from back to side. He's a go fetters!

Gideon Grey Stanley

Baby Gideon arrived on scene June 13 at 6:27 in the morning. Weighing in at 7 pounds 10 ounces and 21.3 inches long. Everything about this little man has been surprising and unexpected. It has me curios and a little worried to see what the rest of his life will be like! I have felt with all my boys that their time in the womb and deliveries were a foretelling of their personalities. Does anyone else feel that way with their kids?

Many know that Gideon's first little trick was being conceived in the first place. We were doing the opposit of trying to have a baby at that time. We very much had our hands full with our three boys and the extra help Gavyn and Nevin both need. Although I didn't feel "done" having kids I did not think right now was the right timing. Apparently God thought other wise and very much blessed us with this little man. The other very different experience for us was having a hospital birth as the first three were all born at home. Although I knew this was a much needed step for his safety since I am Group B positive it also gave me much anxiety during the pregnancy. Ryan's cousin Mandi was so awesome in reccomending her OB to me though! Dr. Philpott was so awesome during my pregnancy and delivery. Every visit with him he would ask me what I was worried about, what was on my mind, what could we talk thru this month? He was actually impressed that I had three natural home births and was not judgmental at all about it. His attitude was, you go girl, I am staying out of your way, you know what you are doing. He would listen to my concerns and we would either make a plan or talk it out. The closer it got to my due date the more concerned we all became with the very real possibility of my going into labor and not making it to the hospital in time for the minimum 4 hrs of antibiotics needed to protect Gideon from the infection. Nevin came in a fast and furios fashion of 6 hours. He was my easiest and fastest labor. Gavyn came in about 7 hours and was a harder labor than Nevin but he was also my biggest baby weighing in at 8 pounds 9 ounces. The more we talked about this we came to the conclusion that the safest method would be having me come into the hospital early, get a round of antibiotics and then be induced. I had been induced with Skyler who was a whopping 9 days late so I was familiar with the procedure. We thought we had everything planned to a T but here is what happened....

Tuesday morning the 12th. We were supposed to get up at 5:30 and get ready. We were supposed to call the hospital at 6 and tell them we were coming in at 7 to be induced. My parents were coming at 6 to take care of the boys and my mom would come up to the hospital around lunch when I would be actually induced. I could not sleep the night before because I was so anxious. I almost sprung out of bed in the morning thinking I had over slept. I called the hospital at 6 and was surprised to hear that every bed was full in labor and delivery and I needed to wait to come in. They would call around 9 to let me know when to come. I was too wired to go back to sleep. My parents ended up taking the boys around 8 back to their house. Ryan and I decided to run to target to pick up a few last minute items and kill time. By 9:30 I called the hospital again and was told to hold tight again. Finally close to 10 I started to doze off on the couch and of course that is when they called for us to come in.

We arrived close to 11 and spent the next two hours being registered and all that jazz. Finally close to 1 they started the antibiotic drip. Ryan rented a movie for us to watch and pass the time. As soon as I was hooked up to the monitors and antibiotics we were surprised to notice I was having very frequent very small contractions. This seemed very promising and encouraged me that I would be having another quick delivery. Close to 4 Dr. Philpott gave the go ahead to start the potocine drip. My nurse started a slow drip at only a one just to see what my body would do. I kicked into labor very quickly and was having good sized contractions every couple minutes. It was enough that there was no need to even up the potocine. By this time though I was getting really hungry and scarfed down a lot of Popsicles and ice! I started to walk the halls and Ryan and my mom took turns making laps with me. Everything was looking promising. Close to 7 my nurse asked to check me so she could give Dr. P an update. I had been dilated close to a two before we started, surely I was a four or five by now! I could not have been more discouraged to hear her tell me I was a three! After she talked to Dr. P she came back and told me they were going to break my water. Excuse me? I was not having it. She tried to convience me it would speed everything up. I told her I knew exactly what contractions would feel like once they took my cushion away and if I was only at a three there was no way they were breaking my water. The doc on the floor was completely ok with my decision but the nurse tried to push me further. I was adamant that it was a no go for now. Thankfully there was a shift changed and my new nurse was much more accommodating to my wishes. She was also impressed with how I labored and told me more than once I was made to labor naturally because I was so calm.

Eventually I was able to fall asleep and get a nap for about an hour. That was very helpful and refreshing. Every time my nurse Kate asked me what I needed I would tell her a cheeseburger. I hadn't eaten since 6:30 that morning and was starving! I knew she couldn't feed me but that is what I really wanted to get me through it! I kept walking and eating Popsicles. By this time my concept of time gets fuzzy but I think by 10 pm I had dilated to a 5. I couldn't understand why it was going so slow. I tried to stay relaxed but I could feel the anxiety starting. Eventually I dilated to a 7 and agreed to let them break my water because that typically speeds things up and I was feeling my body getting ready. Then the strangest thing happened. After my water was broken my contractions started to slow! What was happening? By 3am Kate checked me and gave me the worst news I have ever heard while laboring. I had gone from a 7 to a 5! I was in shock. She explained that sometimes when baby is positioned funny when they break the water it causes baby to pop back up instead of down. I had been sitting straight up in the bed with my legs stretched out for 2 hours trying to get him to come down and instead he had moved up. I panicked. My poor mother and Ryan got a good scare when I told the nurse I wanted a C-section now! I completely lost it and was sure he was not coming, something was wrong and all I could think about was my other two special babies and how I could not do it again. Kate did her best to calm me and then went to go call Dr. P. Thankfully Kate and Dr. P knew that a woman who gave birth three times naturally at home did not really want a C-section and they needed to figure out what was going on and try to hold me off on that decision. Kate got my mom and did some investigating into our lives, what was I worried about? What had happened with Gavyn? How were the boys now, high functioning, low functioning? What could we do to ease my anxiety? Kate came back into my room with me completely exhausted and in tears. She told me Dr. P would do a C-section but first he thought I should get an epidural (since I would need it anyway for surgery) and take a nap for an hour. I agreed. I had been up for almost 24 hours with little sleep before that and my stomach was completely empty. I had nothing left to give. This was completely God at work and seeing how the next three hours played out was amazing.

I was given an epidural, something I never thought I would do simply because my labors had been so fast in the past. Man did that sucker hurt but after about 5 minutes I was feeling so much better! Before I knew it I was asleep and Ryan and mom were also able to get some rest. After an hour Kate came and woke me up, she informed me there was an emergancy C-section happening. Because of that she was not going to check me but let me rest for another hour. I was relieved. I feel back asleep for another hour. When she woke me again there was another emergency C-section happening! I should go back asleep. By 5:30 I started having severe contractions that even the epidural could not hide. By 6 I could tell I needed to push. Kaye checked me and I was fully dilated and ready to go. For a split second we thought Dr. P would not even make it! Thankfully he walked in just as they were helping me to sit up in bed. It went from being very quiet to a flurry of activity in less than 5 minutes. Before I knew it was in a good position and started to push. Mr. Gideon had turned his body in such a way that he was almost stuck. This is why my labor had come to a stand still until I could relax more. Once I pushed Dr. P was able to turn his little head and after only about 4-6 pushes he arrived on scene! No one could believe how little he was! The way he had been laying in my stomach for the last couple months it had pushed everything around making my measurements bigger and giving everyone the impression he would be well over 8 pounds! He was very much worth 14 hours of labor and 17 hours of being hooked up to an IV. He was perfect in every way. I am excited to watch him grow and see what new adventures he brings to our family this year.

Getting Things Done

Now that I am 23 weeks pregnant I am finally getting some energy and it feels great! I was getting a little worried that with the boys, school, and just being a mom that maybe I wouldn't get much energy back this time. I am very glad that isn't the case. The last couple weeks have been great and I am feeling very accomplished with house projects.

When we bought our house last June we had a big list of projects that we wanted to get done. One of the projects we were hoping to do before we even moved in was pull out the carpet and refinish the original wood floors. Unfortunately our closing day got moved out and we already had movers scheduled for a certain day to move us and we ran out of time. But, the weekend of the super bowl we decided to rip the carpet out and get going on this huge project. True to all house projects we first pulled back a small section in each room to see the floors and some how every corner but one that we pulled back made it look like the floors were in good shape. Thankfully the one corner we knew was going to be a problem room and Ryan's dad made sure to rent a sander before even showing up Saturday morning. Once the two of them got all the carpet out of the house they realized every room would need to be sanded which meant staining the floors and putting a coat of poly on top. Very quickly our two day project turned into a five day! So typical of any house project, right? In the end it was so worth it though. We have great parents, Ryan and his dad worked tirelessly (12 hours a day!) for two days straight to get the carpet out, floors sanded and stain on. My parents let us stay at their house for 5 days since our house was completely torn up. My dad helped Ryan get the two coats of poly on the floors and my parents and brother helped me clean the whole house and move all the furniture back. I have no idea how we would do these things without their support. Not to mention the money it saved us to do the project ourselves and not have to stay in a hotel! And now the floors look amazing! It instantly made the house more beautiful.

Now I am collecting some great deals on home decor to redecorate our family room. I have been scouring the Internet for ideas and starting a little collection of them. I am pretty excited to finalize the paint and get it bought so I can put together all my ideas. I am really proud of myself and the money I have saved finding things on clearance or good sales that is still exactly what I wanted. I am determined to not compromise what style I want in each room even if that means it takes me twice as long to do. We live on a very tight budget and I don't want to waste what little money I can spend on something I don't really want just to get something. I like a good challenge though. :)

My parents got Gavyn a toddler bed and we got it put together today. We rearranged the furniture in his room to make room for it and I am super happy with how it looks. The only thing we may still need is another dresser in the room. I might be able to rearrange what is where and make it work for two little boys though. Thankfully we have an empty dresser in the basement and won't have to buy a new one!

I am just pleased to see things getting checked off of our to-do-list even if it takes longer than I would like. We have many years to get things done at this house and we are taking our time to do them right. Hoping to keep some momentum going though since we are adding another little man in a few months. :)

Going from Home to Hospital

When we found out I was pregnant with Skyler I knew wanted to be untraditional and have a home birth and I knew who I wanted to deliver my baby immediately. There was really no question in my mind about it. Ryan was a little nervous about it until we sat down with Dr.Duhart and had a consultation. Ryan really liked him and had a lot of confidence in the process. 9 months later we welcomed Skyler into the world in our little south city apartment with Dr.Duhart, my mom and our friend Janie (who by the way had 11 of her 12 at home). It was such a beautiful moment when he arrived. As soon as Doc said it was a boy I called out his name for the first time and got to hold him. Janie helped me while my parents were the first to give Skyler a bath. Ryan took lots of pictures of everything going on. There was no turning back. We knew we would have more kids and we knew home birth was the way for us. Not even two years later we welcomed Nevin in the same fashion at our rental house in Mapleweood. While Skyler came minutes before midnight Nevin came right before 7 am. Just as I pushed him out my dad arrived to take Skyler who had just woken up. It was the coolest moment for Skyler to see his brother minutes after he arrived. My mom made a big breakfast for everyone and soon after the house was quiet with just Ryan, myself and our new bundle curled up on the couch getting some rest. True to form almost exactly two years later we had Mr. Gavyn at our new house in south city. He arrived mid afternoon. The big boys got to spend the whole day with Pa Pa getting spoiled (I am sure they ate ice cream and played trains all day). There was something especially beautiful about Gavyn's birth. I don't know if it is because I had had a good nights sleep, because he was the third and I was very confident in my ability, or because God knew I needed something beautiful to look back on while he was laying in the hospital. I look back at his birth with the most fond memories though. I remember thinking how grateful I was that I was able to have home births. To be surrounded by strong confident women while I labored. To have a loving and caring husband by my side helping me the whole way. It was so peaceful, uneventful, easy.

When we received Gavyn's diagnosis 72 hours after being admitted to the hospital something in me died that day. To know my body had infected his and he might die was the worst news any mother could receive. That does not leave you. Ever. I think that was and has been the hardest part of his illness,his recovery and his continued journey for me. That is the thing that can keep you up for nights on end. Oddly it never turned me against home birth. It made me want to advocate about Group B Strep because I know so many girls who have home births. I would never wish any of them to experience the pain we did. But i would never want to take home birth away from them I also knew if we ever had more children the option of home birth would not be there for me.

We struggled for some time with the thought of more kids. I think we both knew in our hearts we were called to have more or possibly adopt another. It was also something we were both fighting against and preventing against. The thought of bringing a baby into the world with our two special needs kids and how much time is devoted to them did not seem fair. To anyone. Then one day Skyler started telling me that we needed to have another baby. He was very admit about this for weeks. Finally one day I told him that that sort of decision is not up to him or us for that matter but up to God. He wanted further explanation, I told him if he wanted a baby and a baby sister for that matter to pray about it. I kind of put it out of mind after that. We were preventing against it, we were not trying for a baby and frankly we weren't exactly ready for it. About a month later I started falling sleep on the couch during the mid afternoon. I felt weird in the mornings. But my dad was also in the hospital from having a stroke and I had a lot of stress going on. Once my dad was home Ryan told me to take a pregnancy test. I told him he was nuts. He told me I was pregnant and to quit stalling. I got a test to prove him wrong. None of my previous tests were positive as quickly as that one was. The first to hear the news was Skyler who said, "I know how that happened! I have been praying for that!" lesson learned, be careful what you tell your kids to pray for.

I will admit the first week I was excited. Then I lived a week in my life with the knowledge I was adding another helpless life to it. I got scared, terrified is probably a better word for it. There was a lot to do, apply for health insurance, wait for it, find a doctor, pick a hospital, start prenatals, pray I was not going to be as sick as I was with the boys. Dare to hope for a girl. Try and figure out how I was going to do school pick up and drop off with possibly two kids in the fall that couldn't walk and would need to be carried. Therapy. Money. Dare I think, what the hell had God just thrown at us? I was a little mad but mostly scared.

I cried a lot at community group. It felt so selfish but I was so scared. What if I had another baby with special needs? I didn't think my heart could live up to it. Those amazing girls listened, prayed, encouraged. Finally around 3 months the anxiety lifted and I was getting excited. Then at 18 weeks we found out our little boy (Gideon Gray) had a problem with his right kidney. I know a couple people said we just couldn't catch a break with our kiddos. I was scared. I was mad. I didn't want to be pregnant and here I was pregnant with a baby that could have complications. I didn't love him less but I hurt more. How could I handle this? After further discussion with our doc we found that most likely the problem would resolve itself by 33 weeks. If not, there would probably just be a minor surgery after birth. Ok, I handled brain surgery ok, I can do this, right? I started to get some peace.

And here we are, 22 weeks in, already a roller coaster of emotions and still coming I am sure. My anxiety about a lot of logistics is starting to subside. I am over the surprise baby not being a girl (super selfish, I know), I am at peace about the kidney, God will provide the financial resources, I am at peace about hospital birth. Right now my biggest struggle is thinking about having to stay at the hospital. Ugh. I know I have to do it but I am dreading it. I would really like for Gideon to be born, check him out, check me out, let us leave. Not gonna happen. The thought of trying to sleep in the hospital is so repulsive to me after giving birth. I know, I am such a brat but that is my thought.

The ups and downs from home birth to hospital birth are sure to keep coming until he is here and we are home and it's over.

Searching for Nevin's voice

I can not believe my Nevin is going to be 4 this coming Monday. He has been such a little joy for our family, always the little joker trying to get a laugh. He is the kid who likes monsters, laughs at what Jerry does to Tom, comes out of his room in wacky outfits, pretends to be a ghost and will always find you if you are sad and give you a big hug and pat on the back. He loves his brothers but also knows exactly how to push their buttons and get them screaming. He is my animal lover, every dog is "my dog-dog", he watches birds, squats down to watch the cat slink around the house and has a big hug for Peanut every day. He is very smart but extremely strong willed. There are times he will not apply his smarts because it doesn't strike his fancy. It is Nevin's way or the highway. To know him is to love him.

When I was pregnant with Nevin I had a reacuring dream about him that always puzzled me until now. I started having this dream when I was about 8 months pregnant. We had moved into a new rental house and it was a stressful time with money, a very active almost 2 year old and baby on the way. The dream would start with me giving birth and the baby being whisked away. I would come into another room to find the nurse with the baby who had a cleft lip and a mouth full of teeth. She was pulling all of his teeth out and throwing them away. I was so shocked and demanded to know what was going on. She told me all his teeth needed to come out so they could fix his mouth. Then I would wake up.

I found this theory on teeth and dreams and thought it was fitting,
There are many theories about what teeth represent in a dream. Teeth can represent smiling and therefore could represent happiness or joy. They may also represent your sense of financial stability. Another meaning of teeth is communication. If your teeth fall out in your dream, consider if you’ve been having difficulty communicating with someone, if you’re having concerns about your financial stability (i.e. when your teeth which are normally a constant stable part of your body fall out, you are losing your sense of security and stability), or if something in your waking life has affected your happiness in a negative way (like losing your ability to smile/show your pearly whites).

I find the dream and this description fascinating. One thing all Nevin's speech therapist have said is that he sounds like a kid with a cleft palette. Kids can be born with a cleft on their soft palette in the back of the mouth but I have taken Nev to an ENT and that was ruled out. He has terrible teeth problems that I believe is related to his thyroid condition and it going untreated for so long. Our finances were very shaking at this time but we were also very excited about another baby. The obvious sign of communication problems.

Nevin has been in speech therapy for 2 years now and we have made amazing strides in his communication. The sad thing is most of you would still have lots of difficulty communicating with him. He can string out a whole sentence that I can understand and the rest of the room have no idea what he said. Every day he tries to communicate things that none of us can understand. That is where sign language and his iPad talker help. But then I remember he is 4 and he has so much more to offer, so many stories to tell, questions to ask and I get frustrated for him that he can't do that. No wonder we have melt downs, screaming fits and other behavior issues. When you have gone 4 years with very limited vocabulary you would be frustrated to. His two speech therapists work endlessly to help him and are so devoted to his success. These women are a true blessing. But it still seems there is a puzzle piece missing. We are all trying to find it. I am determined to keep hearing more and more of Nevin's voice each day and one day to have him speak fluidly. I can not let go of that hope for him and us as well.

Derailed

I have been wanting to write this blog for awhile but I can't seem to get it to come out the right way. It just sounds like bitching and moaning and that is not what I intended. I wanted to write something about how we all have dreams and plans but they can be derailed when real life comes knocking. Then you have to find a way around the hard things to find the good things and bring in those dreams you always had. I have been struggling with how I pictured my life, myself and who I really am right now and what is going on in my life. Here was how I pictured my life before marriage:

Marry young. Start out small in an apartment and work/grow together for a couple years. Have a baby. Buy a starter house. Be able to stay home with baby. Take vacations. Have baby #2 a couple years later, Get a dog. Buy a bigger house. Homeschool my kids. Do crafts. Bake all the time. Eat healthy homemade organic food. Have baby #3 in a couple years. Go for long walks. Teach the kids to ride bikes in our quiet neighborhood. Have good friends with full friendships. Good church life. See extended family a lot. Keep having kids. Keep being creative and have a spotless house.

It sounds so silly. It sounds too perfect. It sounds out of reach. I still want that life though.

I did marry young. I was pregnant when we married. That wasn't why we got married but that was the reality of it. My hubby lost his job 2 weeks into the marriage. We were only alone for 6 months before baby arrived. Sometimes I felt like we barely knew each other and now we had to figure out how to be married and be parents at the same time. It was hard. We lived with my parents for 18 months because neither of us had jobs. We finally got on our feet and had baby 2. We got a dog. We bought a house. We had baby 3 who spent a lot of time in the hospital and almost did not come home alive. Our world turned into doctors and therapist for the two younger kids. We put Skyler in school. We put Nevin in public school (something I said I would never ever do). We bought a bigger house with inheritance money. Surprise baby 4 is on the way. We find out his kidneys might not be ok. Find out they will probably be ok after all. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with therapy. I don't worry about Gav. I think Nevin may never move out. I hate cleaning. My house is not decorated. I have not taken a photo in years that was not a snap shot. My albums are years behind. I don't do crafts with my kids. I live in my mini van. I try to work side jobs to make money. I am tired from being pregnant. I have no clue how we will feed another mouth. I still dream of having more kids though. Although some days I cry because I don't know what I am doing with the 3 I have and why is God giving me 4? We do take walks in our quiet neighborhood. The kids are learning how to ride bikes and scooters. We have amazing family. We have good friendships. Church is not perfect but really good. My faith is stronger than I could have ever pictured. The schools my kids go to are amazing and give them way more than I could at home. Our therapists are family and a joy to me.

My life is not what I pictured. It is better than I thought it could be though. It is so hard but so rewarding. My kids aren't vanilla they are rocky road and it's ok. We don't really do playdates because it over stimulates my kids and they break down. We do have people over for dinner though. We do the best we can with what we have. I am determined to get a few of those images of perfect life into my normal life this year though. I don't know how but I will be more creative, we will have more fun, we will have less stress. Somehow.... In some way.... If mom doesn't do it, who will?